Sam was a successful business owner on paper. To his peers, he was the definition of “making it.” But behind the scenes, he was exhausted and numb.
“I just don’t understand why I need so much downtime,” he told me. “Why can’t I do it all like everyone else?”
Sam wasn’t just burned out. He was grieving. But not grieving in the way we typically think of grief. He was grieving the idealized version of himself—the version who could keep going endlessly, always on top of everything, never tired, never behind.
And he was stuck in the grief loop: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, repeat.
Sally, another client, put it this way: “If I could just get everything right—my work, my health, my family—then I could finally relax. Then I’d be able to move on.”
But “perfect” never came. Instead, she cycled:
- Bargaining: If I can just get this right, I’ll finally feel okay.
- Anger: Why can’t I do it? Why is everyone else ahead?
- Denial: Nothing’s wrong. I just need to push harder.
- Depression: I’ll never be enough. What’s the point?
For Sally, the grief wasn’t only about stress—it was about letting go of the fantasy self she was chasing. The one who never dropped the ball, never disappointed anyone, never fell behind.
And then there was Seth. Seth wanted more than anything to be a good husband and dad. He longed to show up well for his family, but shame constantly got in the way.
He questioned himself daily: Am I lovable? Am I enough? When he tried to connect, shame sometimes made him reactionary, overcompensating in his attempts to be the perfect partner. Other times, he pulled back into distance, unsure of how anyone really wanted him to show up.
He oscillated between all-or-nothing modes: perfection one day, avoidance the next. And underneath, he was grieving the ideal partner he thought he should be—the one without doubts, without flaws, without fears.
How Shame Fuels the Loop
Sam, Sally, and Seth had different struggles, but the pattern was the same. All were grieving a fantasy self that didn’t exist.
Shame often has roots in childhood emotional neglect. If your emotional needs weren’t fully seen or validated, your young mind made a survival decision: The problem must be me.
That conclusion created a lifelong strategy: perform, achieve, please, and push in order to feel enough. Out of this, the “ideal self” was born.
And as adults, every time reality doesn’t match that fantasy, the grief loop spins:
- Denial: Pretending nothing’s wrong.
- Anger: Directed inward at the self, or outward at others.
- Bargaining: If I can just get it right, then I’ll be okay.
- Depression/Blah State: The sinking realization that “perfect” never arrives.
Breaking Free
Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up on goals or relationships. It means letting go of the “ideal self” that shame created, so you can embrace your real self—human, imperfect, and deeply worthy.
That looks like:
- Naming the loss: “I’m grieving the fantasy version of me who never falters, never doubts, never struggles.”
- Exposing shame’s trick: Shame says you’re not enough until you become the ideal. Acceptance says you already are.
- Redirecting energy: Away from endless self-criticism and toward connection, meaning, and presence.
- Practicing compassion as discipline: Choosing gentleness—even when shame tells you you don’t deserve it. “Of course I feel unsettled—it’s hard not knowing what others think of me.” “Even if a part of me wants to be perfect, today I know I am still worthy and cared for.”
The Shift
The grief loop keeps high achievers stuck because they’re bargaining with an illusion. They’re grieving someone they think they should be, instead of embracing who they are.
Sam’s loop was tied to being the tireless provider. Sally’s was tied to being the flawless achiever. Seth’s was tied to being the perfect partner.
Different stories, same root: an identity built on shame and perfectionism.
When you finally let go of the “ideal self,” something powerful happens. You stop waiting to be happy “when…” and start finding peace in the present.
Because joy doesn’t come from perfection. It comes from being whole, human, and free.
If you’ve found yourself stuck in this loop—chasing the perfect version of yourself, only to end up exhausted, angry, or numb—you’re not broken. You’re grieving. And you don’t have to stay there.
Therapy can help you loosen shame’s grip, let go of the impossible “ideal self,” and rediscover the strength and worth that have been there all along.
I work with high-achieving adults across Utah, both in-person in Ogden and online statewide. If this resonates, I’d love to help you find your way out of the loop and back into a life that feels whole.
