Criticism comes to those who stand out. That can feel terrifying because, for most of us, criticism isn’t just about what we did—it feels like a reflection of who we are.
From an early age, we’re taught to fit in. First grade sets the stage: stay in neat little rows, color inside the lines, only speak when called on. Grades introduce comparison—who’s excelling, who’s struggling, who’s just average. The education system isn’t designed for people to stand out, fall behind, run ahead, or make a ruckus. And if you did? You probably remember the consequences.
Many of us can trace back an early moment when we tried to stand out, only to be met with disapproval. And in that moment, an internal dialogue formed:
“That must be bad. I must be bad. I must have failed.”
This belief system often follows us into adulthood: Don’t set boundaries. Don’t speak up. Don’t do something out of the ordinary—because if someone sees me, they might criticize me.
I hear this all the time in my office. Clients with deep desires for something bigger, bolder, more fulfilling—yet the fear, guilt, and shame creep in:
“How could I make a bold move? That’s not what I’m supposed to do. That’s not what I was taught to do. If I stand out, people will judge me.”
Here’s what I want you to know: Criticism is not a reflection of your worth. It’s often a reflection of what you’re doing that challenges the norm. And while that can feel destabilizing, it’s also a sign you’re pushing past old limits.
How Criticism Affects Us (and Why It Feels So Personal)
Research in psychology shows that our brains are wired to perceive criticism as a threat. Negative feedback activates the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for our fight-or-flight response. This is why criticism—even when constructive—can trigger intense emotions like shame, defensiveness, or fear.
For those with past experiences of rejection, perfectionism, or people-pleasing tendencies, criticism can feel even more overwhelming. Our nervous system reacts as if we’re in danger, even if the “threat” is just an opinion.
Tools to Shift Out of Criticism’s Grip
So how do you move forward without letting criticism shrink your life?
1️⃣ Pause & Separate – Instead of reacting immediately, pause and ask: Is this about me as a person, or is it about something I did? Remind yourself: A behavior can be adjusted. My worth is not up for debate.
2️⃣ Notice the Source – Who is criticizing you? Is this person someone whose opinion aligns with your values? Are they offering something useful, or just projecting their own fears?
3️⃣ Reframe the Fear – If the fear of criticism is holding you back, flip the script: If I avoid this, I stay small. If I move forward, I grow—even if it’s uncomfortable.
4️⃣ Self-Compassion First – Research by Dr. Kristin Neff on self-compassion shows that treating ourselves with kindness in moments of struggle reduces shame and increases resilience. Try saying: This is hard, but it doesn’t define me. I am allowed to take up space.
5️⃣ Lean Back & Observe – When you feel the weight of criticism, practice “leaning back” instead of leaning in. Breathe. Step into the observer role. Notice the emotions without fusing with them. This shift creates space to respond rather than react.
Your Life Shouldn’t Be Smaller Than It Needs to Be
Criticism will come when you step outside the lines. That’s inevitable. But what’s worse? Shrinking yourself to avoid it.
If you have a deep pull toward something bigger—trust that. Lean into it. The discomfort of being seen is temporary. The regret of playing small lasts much longer.
Kristi x
