I was crying in my car, talking to my mom, because I had just agreed to something I absolutely didn’t have the capacity for. Again.
I was overwhelmed, and I kept telling her I just couldn’t keep going on like this. She listened and she saw. My mom and I share a lot in common in this way. Saying “yes” so quickly, so automatically that after it’s done, we are not quite sure what just happened.
After speaking with her, and my tears had dried up, it hit me again: I had been overextending for months, if not longer. My calendar was jam-packed, my energy was gone, and I couldn’t remember the last time I had a day to myself.
Saying “yes” had become so automatic that I didn’t even question it. It felt normal to be constantly busy, to live with a packed calendar, and to have zero white space for myself.
I kept telling myself, “You should be able to handle this.” Saying no felt like failure. Like letting people down.
But the truth? I was burnt out, disconnected, and running on fumes.
Hi, I’m Kristi—and I’m a recovering people pleaser… on most days.
Does this sound familiar?
I told myself I should be able to handle it all. I mean, who doesn’t want to feel capable, dependable, successful? Saying no felt like admitting weakness. I worried others would judge me, and truthfully, I judged myself.
But the cost was high. I was tired. Resentful. Disconnected from myself and the things that actually mattered.
Once I started slowing down and saying no, really saying no, things changed. My nervous system settled. I felt less anxious and more present. And perhaps most importantly, I had the space to reconnect with myself and the parts of life that brought me joy.
The Hidden Cost of Always Saying Yes.
In my therapy practice, this theme shows up again and again—especially with high-achieving adults who look like they’ve “got it all together” from the outside.
They’ll say things like:
“This is the first time I’ve taken a deep breath today.”
“I’m booked until 10 p.m.—and I’m dreading the weekend.”
“I feel guilty when I’m not doing something productive.”
They know they’re maxed out, but they don’t feel like they can stop. Some believe they don’t “deserve” downtime. Others are chasing a moving target of being “enough,” and staying busy feels safer than sitting still.
For many of us, this drive to over-function started early:
- Maybe you learned that your worth came from being helpful, agreeable, or constantly productive.
- Maybe “taking up space” wasn’t safe or welcome. Over time, the habit of putting everyone else first becomes a survival strategy, and one that’s hard to unlearn.
But here’s the truth: you don’t have to live like this forever.
Imagine this:
You wake up without the dread. Your mornings are slower. There’s white space in your calendar—on purpose. You actually have time to think, to breathe, to be.
You say “yes” only when it’s a full-body yes, and “no” does not feel like a personal failure.
Your energy is no longer constantly leaking out to everyone else. You’re present. Peaceful. Reconnected to what matters.
How does that feel just reading this? Go ahead and read it again and see what you feel in your body. When I read this, my thoughts scream, “yes, please,” and I notice an exhale in my breath, and my shoulders drop.
The Art of Subtracting
Here are some practical tools I share with clients who are ready to stop overextending and start reclaiming their time, energy, and sense of self:
1. Interrupt the automatic “yes.”
You don’t have to give an answer on the spot.
Try: 👉 “Thanks for asking—let me get back to you on that.”
This buys you time to check in with yourself and decide from a grounded place, not from guilt, pressure, or habit.
2. Audit your calendar with honesty.
Pull up your schedule and ask: What here feels heavy or obligatory? What lights me up?
If it’s not a “yes” in your body, consider if it really belongs. Subtraction is a radical act of self-respect.
3. Set boundaries that honor your limits.
Boundaries aren’t about being harsh; they’re about being clear.
But what does clear actually mean?
It doesn’t mean forceful. It doesn’t mean emotionally detached.
Being clear means that the people in your world don’t have to guess where you stand.
It means your yes means yes, and your no doesn’t come with an apology.
It’s the opposite of vague promises, delayed replies, or subtle self-abandonment in the name of being “nice.”
Clarity creates safety for you and for the other person.
When you’re clear, you don’t leave others trying to decode your tone or read between the lines.
You model a kind of presence that says: Here’s where I end and you begin. That’s not a wall. It’s a path.
Try: “I’d love to support you, but I need to take care of myself right now.”
When you protect your energy, you actually show up more fully when it counts.
4. Make self-care non-negotiable.
You can’t run on empty and expect to feel whole. Whether it’s a walk, a solo lunch, or simply space between meetings, these small moments matter more than you think.
5. Practice mindfulness to break the cycle.
Mindfulness helps you recognize when you’re in that familiar overdrive mode—and gently shift out of it. Even a few minutes a day can rewire your relationship with busyness.
6. Don’t do it alone.
Therapy or coaching can help you explore where these patterns began and how to create new ones that actually serve you. You’re not broken—you’re human. And with the right support, real change is possible.
Final Thoughts
Saying yes isn’t just a time-management issue. It’s often rooted in old beliefs about worth, identity, and safety. But here’s what I want you to know:
It’s okay to do less.
It’s okay to take up space.
It’s okay to prioritize yourself, not as an afterthought, but as a foundation.
If this resonates, you’re not alone. And if you’re ready to start subtracting what no longer serves you, I’d be honored to support you.
PS — When you’re ready, here are a few ways I can support you… Reclaim your peace through Trauma Intensives or 1:1 support.
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